Pitch | R01 (Part 2 of 4)

purchase a speech Hello all and welcome to the second of four parts for Round One of this Workshop!

And if you aren’t a participant, we encourage you to give your thoughts on the pitches below as well! Helping each other is a great way towards helping ourselves become better at the craft we all love to do, write! So read on! Look for another 4 Pitches to be posted on Wednesday this week.

Working on a pitch/logline yourself and looking for feedback? Share yours in the comments below and be sure to let us know the genre and medium your work is for.

There are 13 Workshop Participants left who’ve each pledged to write a short story worthy of being entered into a competition or putting it up for public consumption when finished!

link Every Monday and Wednesday there will be a Post going up with 4 Participants and their Submissions based on whatever Round currently happening. Round One consists of The Pitch and below you will see 4 of them. The Genre for the Pitch will be listed along with the Discord/Reddit name of the person who submitted it.

Please leave all CONSTRUCTIVE comments on their Pitch in the comments below!

http://bandvoodoo.com/?p=duke-study-homework-helps ======================================================

follow url Tragedy

In the old town of Stracenie, Poland, Jarosław Pokorny sees his son being held hostage, caused by Albert Żuraw. When without arms, Jarosław pulls a gun onto Albert. The man tries to talk it out, with the son being unconscious throughout the entire situation.

enter site 81cheney

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click here Mystery

Cassey Karter, a newly returned Changeling, is struggling to regain his footing in the metropolitan city that was once his home. Upon learning that a stranger has been living his life in his absence, he is faced with the difficult decision of confronting them and possibly regaining his place in the world, or to leave his old life behind and start anew. Meanwhile, malevolent beings who stalk the edges of the Freehold have been preying on newly returned Changelings, who have only just found their way back through the hedge. Could this be the work of the Fae, or some other terrifying creature?

here artisticBard

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follow Comedy

The Seraph’s Muse is a story about an angel who, while visiting earth becomes smitten with a woman named Petra during the War for Heaven.  Because of divine law, Remiel has to convince God to let him live out his life on Earth.  When God refuses, a muse named Thalia is ilicited to help prevent the lovelorn seraph from rebelling.

http://hfcmm.org/news.php?q=one-prop-okc Svarmani

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custom paper writers Mystery

It’s 1943 in and around the small town of Purbeckshire, James Arnold, an Auxiliary, part of the “British Resistance” was secretly training to be able to attack invading German Forces. It was thought that the Germans would attack Britain soon. Spies were known to be operating in the area and reporting back to their German Paymasters but were not actually known by name so James Arnold had to treat everyone with suspicion. The ultimate goal of the story is to disrupt the Germans as much as possible if they choose to attack Britain allowing as much damage to be done to them as possible whilst regular troops can be organised against them.

http://galvaglobal.com/average-pay-for-a-community-college-tutor/ PaulWeaver

http://www.mofars.com/essay-on-cloning/ ======================================================

About E.L. Drayton

Writer of novels, short stories, scripts, and reviews.
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  • Kamary

    1. This give a very limited view of the situation. I feel as though I got enough from the pitch that I wouldn’t feel the need to read the short story itself. I’d suggest hiding your hand a little more and maybe spinning the conclusion as more of the mystery.

    2. I’d say this pitch is too complicated. I like the concept of the story, and I think I have an idea of where you are going with it. I’d suggest dropping some of the world building information and saving that for the setting section. Still, I did like this pitch and would read this story.

    3. I really like the idea of God as the villain. I love morally ambiguous higher powers. I’d love to see how this is a comedy though. A very interesting pitch.

    4. This sounds a little too ambitious for a short story. If you were writing a novel, it would be very neat, but I have no clue how you’d condense this into a short story. Still, it’s an interesting concept. The pitch is pretty complex too, though. I have trouble seeing what exact direction you’re going with. I would have suggested something more concise.

    • Paul A Weaver

      I have amended my pitch (see under my reply back to Grover C Rockwood above).

  • Arthur Cole

    1) 81cheney:
    I’m going to go out on a limb and guess that English is not your first language? There are some syntax errors that suggest that, but the story does have potential to be very gripping; even heart-wrenching. I would be careful about your use of genre conventions though. It does sound a bit more like an action story than a tragedy.

    2) artisticBard:
    I would be interested in reading this. I like three fact that your language seems to have its own slang/jargon, taking about things like hedge and Freehold. It gives a sense of realism even though it may be too much for a pitch. Too many unknown words, but I am interested to find out what they are.
    Secondly, I don’t quite understand why Cassey Karter would even consider just walking away from her former life. I think the stakes must be amped up, and she has to make a decision that will put herself or someone she loves at risk. But I am interested and that is the goal of a pitch. Good job!

    3) Svarmani:
    I like the mythical nature that your story has. It kind of has a Greek god/goddess vibe. Perhaps not a comedy though. My first instinct is an old Shakespeare tragedy, but intriguing nonetheless.

    4) PaulWeaver:
    Bravo on your opening sentence! I love war stories so this caught my attention immediately! And, in my opinion, I think well structured first sentence, too. It seems to fall apart after that, however. I get the story and I certainly want to read it, but, for example, in your last sentence you use “as much as possible” and “as much damage… as possible.” It’s repetitious. But I look forward to further readings.

    -Arthur Cole

    • Svarmani Wolfborn

      Arthur, actually Thalia is the name of the Greek muse of Comedy. I very much am mixing religion and mythology and hoping that what results is much more comedic than my pitch is.

      • Arthur Cole

        Well I look forward to it because I love all that is Greek mythology stuff. In fact, I actually studied (on my own, not academically) ancient Greek because of my interest. Good luck!

    • artisticBard

      Thanks for the tips, I’ll definitely keep them in mind when working on the next step.
      P.S.: Cassey is actually male.

      • Arthur Cole

        You’re welcome! Sounds good so far.
        P.S. I would consider changing “Cassey” to “Casey.” Casey reads more male than Cassey does and it may come as a shock to find a chapter or two in that she is a he. But no big deal.

        • artisticBard

          I used his pronouns right in the pitch.

    • 81cheney

      English is my first language, but I don’t blame you for thinking differently. The word choice I used was sloppy and rushed. I’ll try to improve for the future. I’ve never written a tragedy story before, I’m currently reading articles on how to do so.

      • Arthur Cole

        No offense intended. Just keep in mind that you, as the author, want to make it as easy as possible for your reader, and trying to parse what you mean may cause people to lose interest. I look forward to reading your finished short story based on the pitch, though.

  • Svarmani Wolfborn

    I got a good sense of where this was and that this Albert fellow has done something evil, but the rest left me with no real idea what was in the story. It reads more like a scene in a story as opposed to the whole story.

    I love that this tells me who the main character is and that that he now faces a mysterious entity. The mystery pulled me right in and I could tell there was something more to this. Something I want to read. However it was a bit long and could have been shortened without losing the central theme. Over all I enjoyed this pitch.

    This is mine so can’t comment.

    Mystery 2
    This has a great deal of detail but I was not seeing the mystery to it. It felt more like a historical drama, if I am honest. I will say however I can sense a lot of research was done on this topic. If I were looking for a mystery I would pass it up, but if the genre were different, I might have considered it a worthy read.

    • Paul A Weaver

      In my pitch Mystery 2 you are quite correct I have done a lot of real life research belonging to a research group in this subject area. But this short story will be fiction as the men were never called to action.

  • Grover C Rockwood

    @8cheney This doesn’t sound like tragedy, and you haven’t used the five sentences.

    @artisticBard I’m pleased to see I’m not the only one doing mystery fantasy. The idea of someone stealing a identity is perfect for mystery. I’d be interested in reading this and seeing how it works out.

    @svarmani This doesn’t sound like Comedy but I could be wrong. Gods are a complicated group to write, but can be fascinating when done right

    @paulweaver Mystery History nonfiction? This sounds amazing but can this be pulled off in a short story? My complaint is the last sentence reads poor and is obvious. We know what’s going to happen in the war.

    • Hi Grover,

      Just a reminder: while I used an example of creating a pitch with 5 lines it isn’t required. I just tried to explain that 5 would be the max and having more than 5 would be too long of a Pitch. Also, less is more, and oft times can be better. If you can write your Pitch in 1 sentence, like most script writers working on their Loglines do, or in 2-3, it’s preferable because the idea of the Pitch is to be able to memorize it and repeat it to who ever may ask you “what is your story about?”

    • Paul A Weaver

      This is based on the real Auxiliars but a lot will be fictional as now a lot is known about the actions of the individual men. I could have done better with my pitch.

      I would rewrite my pitch as follows:

      It’s 1943 in and around the small town of Purbeckshire, James Arnold, an Auxiliar, part of the “British Resistance” was secretly training to be able to attack invading German Forces. It was thought that the Germans would attack Britain soon. Spies were known to be operating in the area but were not actually known by name so James Arnold had to treat everyone with suspicion. The ultimate goal of the story is to disrupt the Germans whilst regular troops can be organised against them.

  • BlueLikeATardis

    1.) I really enjoy the concept of the pitch, but I am not sure this feels like a tragedy to me. The way you wrote this reminds me when you go on to a wikipedia page to read the plot. There is no element of mystery here to entice me to want to read the short story, you know? However, I still really like the concept and it can prove to be very interesting.

    2.) This pitch sounds very interesting. I like that you used Changelings, it makes the idea seem very intriguing. I don’t think I have read any stories about those type of creatures, but I do love the lore on them. I like that the pitch pulled me in, but I do have to say that I did find it to be a bit long.

    3.) After reading the pitch, I would never really connect this with comedy, but I am interested in seeing how it works in that genre. The concept of God being an antagonist is everything to me, because it adds complexity to me. Your pitch pulled me in straight away and the fact that it’s a comedy just makes me feel compelled to want read more.

    4.) Straight away I was pulled into the action of your story and I was pleased. After reading the entire pitch, I am not sure I can say this reads like a mystery to me. Historical Fiction? Yes, but mystery? I am not sure. Are you going to be able to accomplish a concept like this in a short story? I am not sure, but that also makes me intrigued enough to want to read it more. The last sentence could just be thrown out. It’s too obvious and repetitious.

  • Paul A Weaver


    I am slightly confused here by what you are meaning, do I perhaps sense a writer to whom English is not their first language? Or did you perhaps limit your pitch too much by only using three sentences? This pitch has potential to be a good story, I look forward to reading more as you extend this story from a pitch into the full short story.


    I feel that there is a lot of unexplained detail here in this pitch, an example being you refer to the hedge, what actually is a hedge? I am concerned that you wish to add too much to what is a short story, will you actually include too much and therefore not include the depth of details you should do? I look forward to seeing how this
    story actually, works out.


    I look forward to actually seeing your take on this short story. I believe this story might have been done before in classic movies but it has great potential to make for a
    great comedy based short story within a new updated 21 century time period if that’s where you choose to take this short story. I look forward to reading how you progress.


    I can’t comment on this one as its mine.

    • 81cheney

      English is my first language, but I understand where you’re coming from. Frankly, the original pitch was slightly different. It screamed tragedy, I’m currently working on improving. Thank you for your feedback!

  • artisticBard

    While the premise fits your theme, there are a few issues with wording and phrasing which leaves the reader a little lost and confused.

    So many things wrong…

    A very solid pitch. It gives just enough information to let us know what the story is about, and is easy to see how this could become a comedy.

    An interesting premise, but I feel like it could be condensed a lot more, and the run on sentences reworked.

  • SplinterFM

    This one gets right into the action which is good because “ACTION” but is a little bad because “no backstory”. How did they get in this situation? Is Jaroslaw a cop? Where are they, more specifically?
    Some things could be tweaked to make the text better but, all in all, it describes a good suspense to me. Knowing it’s a tragedy, I would guess that it doesn’t end well for the kid. 🙁

    Now, this is great. There’s a number of things in the text about which I have no knowledge, but the pitch gives me just enough information to be interested.
    For example, what is the Freehold? Doesn’t matter, it’s something that has edges where malevolent beings are preying on Changelings. Probably another world.
    What/who is the Fae? I don’t really care, it is compared to other terrifying creatures so it must be terrifying in some way and that’s enough information.
    I am unconsciously sure that the answers are coming in the full story so I’m not worried. Very well done.

    Like the one above, this pitch does a good job on talking about things I don’t understand but giving just enough information so I can get the whole idea. For example, I don’t know exactly what the War for Heaven is but it is a war, and that’s enough information.

    You managed to be concise and cover most of the things I would like to know about the story, which is awesome.
    The only thing that would lack for me is the comedy. I mean, it’s not screaming “comedy” and that’s ok because I can see how the comedy would fit. But still, I guess the genre just fell out of my mind while I was reading the pitch.

    This pitch was a little too complex but the setting fits well for a mystery, in my opinion. The part where “James Arnold had to treat everyone with suspicion” is very mystery-like because you don’t know who the bad guy is and are trying to figure it out. That’s very on point.
    But I would say the pitch could be greatly improved with some trimming. The part where the Germans would attack soon, for example, it doesn’t really add much for me. Other than that, I’m not sure what I would cut out but I feel like it could be more concise.

    • artisticBard

      Wow! Thank you so much! I definitely plan to elaborate on the terms in the story. I feel like I should have cut down on the terminology a bit, but I’m very glad that you liked it! 🙂

  • 81cheney

    Well written, it truly creates a mystery vibe. I don’t know where you can improve, it’s already so good.

    I’d like to know where the comedy part comes in. Besides that, there’s a good plot in motion, keep it up!

    Mystery 2:
    Hmm, this one is very interesting. It sort of gives off a mystery vibe, but it sort of doesn’t. I’d like to know more about this British Alliance and how it operates, I guess I’ll need to wait to find out!

  • Nacho

    1 – Not sure if it’s technically a tragedy, but sounds really interesting
    2 – Sounds like a lot for a short story, but very interesting
    3 – The plot doesn’t seem inherently funny, but I’m sure the actual story will be
    4 – Sounds amazing, love how it’s not a traditional “mystery”

  • Daniel London

    1- I’m not completely sold on this pitch. It almost feels like a pitch for a single scene of a larger story. If that’s what was intended. Good job?

    2- I like where this pitch is going. There is enough information to lead a reader on far enough to want to look deeper. What are the Fae and how to they fit into the world? Do normal people know about the changelings? So many questions. Which is the point, is it not?

    3- Saying the name of each of the characters only once makes the pitch a little confusing. I had to read it a few times to figure out who is who. I foresee some hilarious antics about to occur. Old Gods can be funny.

    4- Pitch feels a little long, but it may have needed to bit to fit in as much information as it did. Could have used a little trimming. I do like the idea though. Not to often you read an old school cloak and dagger spy thriller.

  • Heracorn

    1. It sounds a little like you struggled your way through that pitch. Flesh it out a bit and i’m sure you’ll be fine.

    2. I love the D&D related premises, if that’s what it is. Besides that your pitch does a good job of making me want to continue reading even if i’m not sold at the very beginning.

    3. Name repetition is needed here. Nothing to serious but you definitely need to have the people reading the pitch know what who’s name is.

    4. Nice set up for a mystery. The idea that everyone the main character comes into contact with is either friend or foe, really set’s the tone for a mystery.

    • artisticBard

      Haham you caught me.;) It is very D&D inspired.