Pitch | R01 (Part 3 of 4)

There are 11 Workshop Participants left who’ve each pledged to write a short story worthy of being entered into a competition or putting it up for public consumption when finished!

Every Monday and Wednesday there will be a Post going up with Participant Submissions based on whatever Round currently happening. Round One consists of The Pitch and below you will see a few of them. The Genre for the Pitch will be listed along with the Discord/Reddit name of the person who submitted it.

Please leave all CONSTRUCTIVE comments on their Pitch in the comments below!

======================================================

Mystery

In Kansas City, Missouri, a fire demon searches for his chance to ascend above to the rank of a god. But in his way lies an angel who is looking for the same goal and needs to erase him from existence.

Heracorn

======================================================

Horror

A tattered journal was all a young man found atop the mountain. After setting his camp he began to read with no more than the dim glow of his trusted flashlight. A storm roiled around his tent as he flipped the pages to enter the mind of a man he’ll never meet; William Charger.

Zyphr

======================================================

Comedy

Investigating a distress signal from another spaceship and finding no survivors is something that happens from time to time on the starship Integris. But this time, after leaving the empty ship behind, Captain Dawson finds his team being mysteriously killed, one by one. He has been in space with these people for years, but now one of them is a killer, and he needs to figure out who and why before it’s too late.

SplinterFM

======================================================

Tragedy

Firstborn of the original sinners, Cain lives a life in the shadows of the glory of his youngest brother, Abel, who is favored not only by Adam and Eve, but by God himself. After finding Abel entangled with a sinister presence, Cain begins to descend down a dark path of guilt, paranoia, and murderous rage. Learn the story of how Cain, the first murderer, and the first human being to fall was put under a curse, which we know now as The Mark of Cain.

BlueLikeaTardis

======================================================

About E.L. Drayton

Writer of novels, short stories, scripts, and reviews.
Bookmark the permalink.
  • SplinterFM

    Heracorn
    The pitch is concise, which is great, but I feel like I need more information about the story. I can see how the story would work, but there could be more information about how things happen that would help me get more interested in it.

    Zyphr
    The setting is perfect for a horror story and the pitch describes enough for me to get interested. This is a great pitch.

    SplinterFM
    That’s me. The genre should be Mistery but I didn’t include it when I submitted the pitch so I guess that’s my bad. 🙁

    BlueLikeaTardis
    So you’re rewriting a biblical story as a modern work of literature? That’s good. Pitching this story could be cheating since a lot of people know it and you wouldn’t have to spend much time setting it, but you didn’t use that. You described very well the setting and did a great job building an environment for the story. I really like what you did.

  • Nacho

    1 – A little more information on the antagonist would be good, but very interesting
    2 – Super interesting, wouldn’t change a thing
    3 – Based on the comment, seems like a good mystery
    4 – I love the idea of it being rewritten in modern prose

  • Grover C Rockwood

    1. This doesn’t seem like mystery, but the good vs evil is always a great theme.
    2. This sounds like a great horror pitch. I can’t think of anyway to improve it. Everything that needs to be said has been said.
    3. I saw that there was a mistake and this is indeed mystery, sci-fi mystery at that. The idea of a murderer running amok on a spaceship interest me.
    4. Bible tragedy isn’t something I’ve ever read before. I have no thoughts on this one way or the other.

  • Arthur Cole

    1) Heracorn (Mystery):
    Short, sweet (or diabolical), and leaves room for mystery. This, I think is a well presented pitch. I’m having a hard time figuring how this could be done in a ‘short’ story, but if you can, Bravo! I look forward to it!

    2) Zyphr (Horror):
    It doesn’t even remotely strike me as a Horror story. I can ‘assume’ that you intend to incite horror through William Charger’s life, but that speaks to me of mystery. There is no harm or terror for the protagonist (the reader of the diary) and, furthermore, he is learning information that he didn’t know prior so that reads to me as mystery, not horror.
    In order to make your pitch read more horror, I might suggest to spend less time on the reader of the diary and hint at some sinister happenings for this William Charger fellow.

    3) SplinterFM (Comedy):
    This, also seems to have a genre crisis. Depending on how you choose to proceed, this sounds like it could be either a mystery, thriller, it even horror, but comedy sounds far-fetched. Genre classification aside, I really like this pitch and the idea of being trapped by an unknown killer with nowhere to go or hide. It is a bit wordy, though. Perhaps it could be cut down a little or condensed. For instance, your first sentence could read something like this: “What at first appeared to be another routine investigation of a fleet ship’s distress call turns into a thrilling fight for survival for Captain Dawson and his crew after they are boarded by an unknown entity.” (Or something like that)
    it’s not too much shorter, but it condenses two sentences into one. But it sounds exciting nonetheless.

    4) BlueLikeaTardis (Tragedy):
    This is very promising. In my opinion, your pitch is well written and not too revealing, which I like. We get to see the familiar (Cain kills Abel Genesis story) mixed with the unfamiliar (The Mark of Cain). I am intrigued and left wanting to know more about the curse and where it takes them both. I am a huge fan of historical fiction, so your spin on a factual event is very exciting to me.
    One thing I will say, however, is that it doesn’t strike me as tragedy. While murder IS tragic, your pitch rings more mystery considering the element of the curse (which is an unknown thing), then it does tragedy, but besides that, Good job! I can’t wait to read further!

    -Arthur Cole

  • BlueLikeATardis

    1.) I like the concept and love how the pitch is short and straight to the point. I am very fond of demons and angels in stories, it is a really appealing topic to write about. I am very interested to see how you fit this in a short story.

    2.) I found this pitch to be more of a mystery than a horror, but I enjoyed the set up. While I did not get a sense of dread, it did create a great backdrop for a horror story. I am very intrigued by what could be hidden on the pages of William’s journal.

    3.) Okay, so when I initially read this, I felt like this read as a mystery, sci-fi thriller, and even horror had crossed my mind. After reading Discord and your comment on the website, I know my assumptions of how this pitch was geared towards was correct. I love the concept! It pulls me in immediately and I find myself wanting to know more. I also find the constrictive setting of being in Space and in a ship to be another intriguing factor.

    4.) This is mine.

  • Heracorn

    1. This be my pitch.

    2. There needs to something here that overtly inspires terror or worry in the reader.

    3. Probably the most unique of all the pitches i’ve read. It sounds more like a mystery right upfront. But character interaction will be this short stories bread and butter.

    4. This sounds really interesting. I’m just wondering how exactly you’re gonna show his decent into darkness.

  • Kamary

    1. It’s a bit straightforward, but I don’t have any real complaints. I just sort of wished I could know more about the characters. Maybe include their names?
    2. I really like the tone of this, but I would like to know a little more about what the young man will find in the journal. The wording sort of makes it sound like he’ll be trapped into the person’s body.
    3. This really does not sound like comedy at all. If you could twist it into comedy somehow, I’d be quite impressed, but at the moment it seems much more horror or mystery based.
    4. This sounds like a great story. I have a soft spot for retellings of biblical stories from a more modern view. I actually and really looking forward to reading this.

  • artisticBard

    Heracorn:
    Very concise. Though I feel like it could use a little more ‘umph’ to it. It didn’t really stick out to me. Perhaps a little more on who our protagonist is. The first sentence could also be reworked a bit. It’s a little clunky with a grammar error.

    Zyphr:
    This pitch is nice in the way that it tells you what kind of story this will be without giving anything away. While it managed to draw me in, in the beginning, the ending was a little lackluster. Perhaps alluding to the darkness up ahead might help keep the reader’s interest.

    SplinterFM:
    A pretty solid pitch. Follows the typical mystery plot. My only note is to maybe drive home the fact that the Captain has a close bond with his crew.

    BlueLikeaTardis:
    A very good subject to use for a tragedy. The pitch itself is well done, though I feel like it could be shortened just a bit. The first sentence seems to drag on just a little bit.

  • Paul A Weaver

    Heracorn

    I think this is compact and to the point where it gives details and does not add unnecessary details. I will be very interested to see how you develop this, is it really a mystery?

    Zyphr

    I think this pitch begins to build the tension of a good horror story. I want to read more and look forward to doing so.

    SplinterFM

    I am not sure that I can find the comedic value of this pitch, surely this should be a horror?

    This is a good pitch if you are writing a horror story, I am not sure where you find the comedic value of a story based around death but you may have another angle that I miss here. Are you missing something that makes it comedy?

    BlueLikeaTardis

    Interesting pitch, are you looking to add to a story many would have know from a young age?

    I am not sure if its ‘safe’ to write a story based on peoples religion, there are so many potential routes this story can follow.

  • Svarmani Wolfborn

    Mystery
    First, I like that this seems modern and therefore relatable to me. Instantly I can tell where the bulk of the drama and conflict will stem from. What I did not like was that these two beings aren’t named. I get no feel for them. Otherwise, kudos, I want to read it.

    Horror
    I head this and was drawn in. The promise of an adventure and like in Poe’s The Tell-tale Heart, I could tell there was a good chance for the young man to begin going mad psychologically. I would have enjoyed learning his name, but even without it, I can feel the horror trying to pull me in deeper.

    Comedy
    I love a good space story and a murder mystery as well makes it all the more enticing. However, I am completely confused about how this is comedy.

    Tragedy
    Impressive. I think this is the third book that has to do with God and certainly a different angle. I have always loved the tale of Cain and Abel. I might have omitted the ” After finding Abel entangled with a sinister presence, ” to add a little intrigue, but overall I love this pitch.

  • Daniel London

    1- Sounds like a “Man vs God” kind of story. Pitch doesn’t lend much to a mystery, but that’s not the point. I like it.

    2- Mine.

    3- I envision Benny Hill music playing as the captain runs around the halls trying to find the killer. Slapstick never gets old.

    4- If this story is good enough it should be added to the actual Bible. +1 chapter in an otherwise great work of fiction.